Today, I’ll watch both football games and not cheer for any particular team. As an embittered Lions fan, I hope they all lose. As desirable as this outcome may be, I know it’s an unrealistic dream, but that’s exactly what being a Lions fan is all about.

If I had to pick any dog in the hunt, it would be the Steelers, mostly because Terry Bradshaw did such a stand-up job as Sherman in Hooper. I’d like to see Tom Brady try to hang on screen with the likes of G.O.A.T. Burt Reynolds in his chemically-enhanced prime.

I have many reasons I could politely cheer for the Packers—half Yooper DNA, the Milwaukee VA Hospital, the Mars Cheese Castle—but until I can buy Spotted Cow beer in in southeast Michigan, my heart is closed to you, Wisconsin.