Sad to report, Alice and I have been having a spat in these last days.

We’re finishing off our fallout shelter and can’t agree on the final touches. I want a “Ghostbusters” pinball machine. She wants an air hockey table. If I had ordered the Natty NORAD Grande bunker, we could have had both.

Don’t skimp, fellow doomsdayers. The world only ends once.

Genuine oak accents.

Except for this small dustup, our bunker is the hermetic utopia our Costco rep promised. You wouldn’t believe the number of cup holders inside this beauty. I can’t wait to break in “DefCon 1” (that’s my nickname for the chemical toilet).

Some people say that we are over-reacting to the inauguration of Donald J. Trump, billionaire. I would just like to make one important counterpoint.

Even if there isn’t a nuclear war, we will still be shielded from an ultra-radioactive material—the daily news.